how do I keep my tamagotchi alive while I am at work?

advice from your big Internet sister about retro tech, post-grad blues, taxes, and waist-length hair

Hi, hello and welcome to the first installment of the Internet Bedroom Advice Column, a special newsletter devoted entirely to giving you advice about everything from how to grow your hair to why you shouldn’t date people who own skateboards. Think of it like getting advice from your Internet Big Sister who is kind of a known mess.

If you’d like to submit a question for the next installment, you can do so via DM here on Substack or find me over on Instagram at girlgutters and submit your question via DM there <3 <3 <3

Big Barda asks: How do I keep my Tamagotchi alive while I am at work?

This is such a great question to ask someone who has killed every single one of her Tamagotchi’s since the 1990s! Much like children, Tamagotchi need every fucking second of your life. But unlike children, you can treat your Tamagotchi like an art project and problem solved!!!

@emmaorhuntamajourney 🌐♾️ its been extremely swag seeing a bunch of people making their own versions of the tamawatchi pls keep tagging me!! i luv 2 see it, + feel free 2 ask questions + logistics on how to make it! mine is far from perfect but its my magnum opus regardless . its always been more about the idea 2 me than perfect execution #tamagotchi #tamawatchi

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For example, you could buy a used Apple Watch on Facebook Marketplace or eBay, break open your Tamagotchi, and insert the Apple Watch into the Tamagotchi shell. That would shut the little bitch up for sure! (Or you could just watch all of Emma Orhun’s TikToks because she’s like if Inspector Gadget was a girl).

Alternatively, you could purchase a Tamagotchi that is made of clay and makes no sound. This affords you all the benefits of having a Tamagotchi with none of the responsibilities of actually keeping one alive! I personally like these from artiste Cristal Ortiz:

starsxxlullabies

A post shared by @starsxxlullabies

DeeDee Glitz asks: How do I do my taxes?

Ok STORYTIME! The IRS straight up ROBBED me this year. I paid them $2,400 of my dollars (pain) and then they decided to take AN ADDITIONAL $2,400 OUT OF MY BANK ACCOUNT FOR NO REASON. Have you ever over-drafted your account by thousands of dollars? Because I have. Thanks a lot, Joe Biden!

So, I guess, just like pray? Give the government an amount of money you made up and hope everything works out for the best? If anyone else has better advice, please leave it in the comments.

Lana del Ray asks: How can I get waist-length hair for brat summer?

Lana, you already have a lot going for you because you have a Leo Moon. Everyone I know with a Leo moon (including myself hiiiii) has A LOT OF HAIR.

Here are my other secrets to waist-length hair in the event that you are not astrologically favored:

• Depression. I swear to God right before I got diagnosed and on medication for depression, my hair got so long because I was too sad to book an appointment to go get it cut. SOMETHING DEPRESSION IS GOOD FOR: growing your hair out.

• Be really goddamn busy and too lazy for self-care. Recently, I have been ✨booked and busy✨ which means I am actually too busy to do much regular shit like get my hair trimmed. And you, too, can be too busy to take care of yourself!!! Just do everything by yourself and do not accept any help that is offered to you! Your hair will grow so fast that you won’t even notice :)

  

• Rituals. I have yet to really look into this one but I do attribute my recent hair growth to spending a lot of time in the woods. Do not be afraid to become BaBa Yaga!

ArtBabe2008 asks: How can I combat postgrad blues less than a year away?

Every time I have ever graduated from somewhere, I have always taken it as an opportunity to completely overhaul my life and become a new person.

When I graduated from an extremely prestigious college in a big city, I decided to move to Ohio, live in my parents’ basement, get a job at the mall, and enroll in Hondoros College (I use the word “decide” loosely here. I was kind of threatened into taking the above actions.) When I got my Ph.D., I decided fuck it, I don’t want to be a professor anymore. I want to be that weird girl that lives in the woods in the middle of fucking NOWHERE with my husband and my blind pug (???).

What I’m saying is, the stress and chaos of reinvention has always kept my postgrad blues at bay! And you can literally reinvent yourself at anytime, Babe. So, start now!

Well that’s all the advice I really think I’m qualified to give! If you have a question, be sure to write in either to my Substack DMs or my Insta DMs <3 Good luck, Babes!